My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
