I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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