Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
