God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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