Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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