I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
