if i can run in heels then i can drive
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
