WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
