Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
