is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
