my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My dick has a subreddit
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
