and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
