Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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