listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You took a bar mat shot.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
