She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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