i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
