My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
