my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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