Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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