ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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