Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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