Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
