Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
me + whiskey = a bad person
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
