Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
