I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
