I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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