I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
