Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
