a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
