I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
