If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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