from now on my penis is your penis
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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