My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
