i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
