Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
