Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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