dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
