It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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