I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize