I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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