I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
