Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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