i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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