I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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