I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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