The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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