Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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