forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
