A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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