Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
