I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
